dont be scaredd.

so i just finish watching the rihanna's good girl gone bad live video.
i cant believe i spent an hour of my life watching that.
but, it was all worth it.
i highly recommend it to all of you.
it's.... fantastic!!

and and and..
i also watched the britain's got talent thingy on youtube.
how adorable is connie talbot..
and how gorgeous is george sampson.
heh heh heh.
i think i am in love with him.
he is so friggin' hot.
those dance moves and that smile on that face.
bliss.

okayy, let's just assume i'm mad.
haha.

went for a swim yesterday with sis and g.
i fell asleep while tanning and this damn swimming instructor had to scream on top of his lungs to a group of 5 year olds,
talking to them as if they are fifteen and the words he used was just unacceptable.
the worst thing was the fact that he was ugly.
no i didnt type that.

dinner at chomp chomp was awesome.
i think it's one of singapore's best eating places.
so in love with the barbecued sting ray and the egg puddingg.
heh heh.

you know what i mean..

anyways,
in under three hours,
i'll be high up in singapore.
no, i'm not taking the plane to anywhere.
i will be up there on the flyer.
right now, i am scared.
i hope i'll survive.
i'll not have any sort of panic attacks.
haha.
will be high up there for approximately an hour..
oh godd..

what manfred and i are looking forward more to is tonight.
the fabulous flirt party.
haha.

okayy,
i better go get myself ready.

all smiles, again.

was intending to blog earlier at workk but..
those tan tock seng bills were piling up and that made me rather scaredd.
so i decided to skip blogging and be a hardworking and productive staff.
heh heh.

work's been pretty good actually.
come to think of it,
i've spent most of my holidays at work this time around.
not a bad thing, no i am not complaining.
i am thinking of what will happen when july 10 and august 10 comes.
heh heh.
the days when i will see the numbers in my band accound replenish itself.
i cant wait for those dayss.
i mean.. who doesnt, right?!

so, just a quick reminder to myself,
no emo shit, no emo shit.
at least for this entry or rather,
for a whilee.
i am still in the midst of pulling myself back on.

manfred told me this..
"you'll never move on but you'll get used to it.."

which i think makes a lot of sense.
i'll get used to the way i am feeling and i will be fine even before i know it.
maybe the fact that barney is not in town is the perfect time for me to be all geared up and charge.

okayy, enough is enough..

so i took a day off for the coming monday for...
a sunday night out at fabulous flirt!
HAHA!
i dont know why but i cant wait for that.
it's been a while since i last go out partying on sunday and it's gonna be magnificent cause before that,
manfred and i will be up in the sky on the singapore flyer.
whoooo..
let's hope i'll even survive for the night out.
haha.

i think i am back in love with rihanna.
for the most obviously reasons,
ryan hates me for that.
but i like to irritate him.
he gives this very funny looking facial expression..
which will make michelle and i literally,
laugh out loud.

ohh,
ryan and michelle are my work colleagues who are mad mad mad people.
HAHA!

SHIT!!
zoe tay and nat ho is calling me..
(i'm referring to the channel 8 drama.. )
heh heh

catch y'all later!

with a little honesty..

mariah mariah mariah.
when i listen to 'love takes time',
it reminds me of you.
it brought back happy and extremely sad times.

but i still choose to play it on repeat..

i dont know if i should say this but i miss you much.
i never did move on have i?

insensitively sensitive.

so that man was hospitalised.
that man, could also be known as my dad.

here's the story.

he was having problems with breathing.
then he called the police.
police arrived looked at the situation,
and they called an ambulance.
upon arrival at the hospital,
his heart stopped.
the doctors revived him with a heart starter,
five doctors to be specific.
blood pressure and heartbeat was super unstable.
so bad that they thought putting him in the coronary intensive care unit would be the best.
and the doctors said that his arteries and some other tubes inside his body were..
blocked.

when i visited him last evening after work,
he looked okay.
blood pressure and heartbeat were indeed,
unstable and was fluctuating like i-dont-even-know-what-to-use-to-describe.

but he called sis earlier,
he was out of danger.
everything's back to "normal".
not sure how normal was normal.
you know,
they like to hide facts from us to minimise worry and all.
and results for the scan to see how many tubes were actually blocked has yet to be out.
so.. gotta wait and see how it goes..

the weirdest thing that happened was the fact that i fed him porridge last evening.
it was as if i threw all the hatred and the anger away and humble myself to feeding him,
doing what i can for the one and only father i have.

oh well..

as the saying goes..
"blood is, indeed, thicker than water.."

right now,
i just wish he'll be really fine and that he'll be discharged soon.
not in the mood for a third breakdown over a period of a few weeks.
i'll die, literally.

blonde moment.

looking back at these past two/three weeks,
i feel like a complete fool, retard or an idiot.
i dont know why i just had to bump into barney last evening.
well, not face to face but good/bad enough for me to make out the fact that i saw him.
then before i hopped onto bed,
i sent lilo a text wishing him good night.
he replied, calling me a 'play boy'.

sighh.
currently,
i think i am in one of my own darkest moment.
it's indescribable and it's just hard to imagine how many thing would never had happened if things didnt go out of hand.
but then again,
i dont blame anyone,
not even myself.
cause i feel like i have this weird sense of being a little stronger than i was a little while ago.
felt like i've grown as an individual both emotionally and physically.
not quite a bad thing thoughh.

but deep deep down,
i dont know how i should be feeling after being labeled as a 'thief' then a 'playboy' by two different individual who were supposed to have impacted me in one way or another greatly.
it's hard to believe people actually didnt trust me to that extent and people would just give you a name when they dont know you too well.
it's just so, so saddening if you asked me.

to think someone whom you've set your heart out for and so much more,
they crash.
initially, i was lost.
then i saw a tiny wee light and i walked towards it.
i realised it wasnt a way out, after holding onto the candle light for a good five days.

i am searching for the light.
the natural light that would hopefully free me from this darkness.

when will i ever find that light?

casual significancee.

"..i kept my tears insideee
'cause I knew if i started i'd keep crying for the rest of my
life with you i finally built up the strength to walk away
don't regret it but I still live with the side effects.."

- mariah carey "side effects"


in case you're wondering,casual significance refers to some song lyrics which i can relate to at a particular moment.

if onlyy.

been almost a week since i last checked in here.
didnt plan to update this space today either.
but, here i am.

in case you're wondering much,
i'm not at work.
i'm at home.
after two and a half hours at work,
my body told me to leave whatever i was doing and go home and rest.
and i did.
otherwise, i think i would have fainted by now.

according to my doctor,
it's throat infection and the reason why i feel feverish is the way our body react to it when it feel the discomfort.
he gave me some pretty good medication which puts me to sleep till about two hours ago.
good rest i must say.

i think i will be home earlier next week and rest my body more.

in other news,
i think it's the best to be where i am now.
i love my friends, my family members and everyone and anyone who cares.
i dont think i wanna hurt myself or be hurt or try to hurt anyone anytime soon again.
too much to handle actually.

was great meeting bruno finally last evening.
it feels good to be talking to someone intelligent
and it feels even better to know someone actually care to listen to all these things i've been through these past weeks.
if onlyy someone like this is nearer.

okayy,
i'm not expecting anything, seriouslyy.

anyone gonna play tonight?
i know i'm sick but i dont feel like staying in the whole night.
it suck to be sick on friday
let alone staying in on this day, rightt?
no alcohol though.
otherwise my doctor would punch my face.

haha.

i cant believe they've added melee to day one of singfest.
i am really really tempted to go to both days
but it's freaking three hundred bucks for two day pass.
i wonder if i could get on anyone's guestlist!
i was shocked to receive a message on myspace from shaun of crowned king.
it was a personalised one.
i wonder how good looking he's become..
we'll find out in a couple of weeks.
50 days to be specificc..
heh heh.

okayy,
i think i better go lie on the bed for now.
i wanna feel well in a few hours.
but then again,
right now,
i feel at least 65% better than i was feeling earlier.

on a super random note,
ck one summer fragrance for men is extremely addictive and it's so sweet smellingg..

have a great weekend!

okayy, bye.

deepest.

i dont know how i am feeling or how i should be feeling right now.

i dont know why i was being accused of being a 'thief'.
why am i responsible for such names and terms for something i've never done or never will do.
and i dont understand why of all people,
it was you who accused me.
i am indeed hurt deeply.
i was never healed from the damaged you've caused earlier and now this.
what about friendship and trust?
you accused me of those nasty things that you think i had done
because i was one of the more convenient suspects from your whole list of possibilities.
i thought you'd have known me well enough to not judge me.
let alone accusing me of those stuff.

well, i might not be the richest man in singapore.
neither is my family.
and in fact, i have a man at home who doesnt do much but gamble.

but does all these make me the prime suspect of the 'crime'?

you told me you've never known me.

how great.
you never known me..
so what's all these 'starting from friends and see how things develop later' shit happening?
since you never known me, never wanted to.
i am seriously hurt.
you asked me not to ever hate you or to dislike you even by just a little.

sorry, i cant do that right now.
i've been wronged.
i've been accused of stuff i would never do, especially to you
when you know exactly how i felt towards you.

but you know what?
it's fine.
since your mind's been made up that i am the culprit.
nothing's gonna change your mind.
and i wont try to.
if you think i did those stuff,
so be it.

truth be told,
my conscience's clear.
i know, god knows i've done nothing of that sort.

i'm just extremely disappointed to know that you didnt trust me and you doubted me.
off all people,
it had to be you.

then there's another story.

god i know my saturday morning's been pretty dramatic.

anyways, to the other you.

i am sorry for my indifference and my ignorance to you a couple of hours ago.

i didnt know exactly what went through my head but i guess i was carried away by the conversation with my friends.

thank you for making your way down to wherever i was.

that made my smile a little.

it reminded me that i was infactuated by you.

thank you for the surprise and thank you for coming over.

i dont think many would do that.

you're not my rebound guy.

and i dont want you to be.

just when i realised i have started to like you,

you slipped away like sand on my fingers..

it saddening to know you're gone.

it's even saddening to know that i've lost not one but two in one morning.

can my weekend ever get better?

i quote this from histripped.blogspot.com

"no one wants to be hurt or to hurt someone who just want to be love."

lifeee lifeeee lifeeeeeeee.

sorry for being "missing" for the past few days.
i'm all well (i think), alive and kickingg.

cant believe it's june alreadyy.
five months flew past without me knowing much.
maybe i've been too busy in school and time just dont wait.
dammit.

been working these days.
cant wait till i get paid next week.
oh godd..
seriously, i cant wait for that day to comee.

speaking of work,
i think i might be extended until the end of my holidays,
which is a very very good thing.
i might be having literally 'no life',
i guess fridays and saturdays are good enough right?
anything for my getaways later this year!

so i'm done with gossip girl.
why do they have to wait till september for the second season.
super dumb.
but it's okayy,
till then, i'll be watching weeds and bionic woman.
haha.
not sure if they're good.
will tell you after i watch them.

oh oh oh!!
JASON MRAZ is coming back to town!!!!
WHOOOOOOO!!!
singfest, you dont know how much i love you guys for jason mraz and jamie scott.
would you shock me and add mariah?
pleaseeeeeeeee...

you know, these days i've been so hooked onto mariah.
blame ben!
'love takes time' is one of my favourites.
i always listen to it at work and it sets me in the mood to focus and workk.
i believe ryan knows!
haha.

okayy, i think i wanna go grab dinner for now.

i wonder if the sleepover at shihan's is on?
someone..?